I used to envy those people that were different, had cool haircolors, listenet to music that seemed not so mainstream, dressed like they didnt care and seemed to be deep as the darkest wormhole in space.
They were poetic, individual and one of a kind. Atleast so I thought it was. I thought that they were the people without any problems or even those that people envied and loved more.
Today I cant even understand how I wanted to be like them. They seemed so lovely and special when I looked at them, but when I've gotten close to people like that I just notice how selfcentered and plain they are. plain in the way that they just have a more colorful shell but its as empty inside as vacuum.

It's interesting that those people I envied are the people I dislike most now. Not cause I'm jelaous but cause I cant understand how ignorant, selfcentered, whiny and simply dumb people can be. "I know everything, I know everyone, the things I say everyone should hear, feel sorry for me, SEE ME".. Oh my fucking god people are idiots. Thanks for the opportunity to actually be able to choose who you want to hang out with and socialize with, well unless you're in school and have to look at that bullshit, day in and day out. It's good to be individual but when you put a group of individuals that all want to be seen and heard the most, everyone just seems pathetic. Fine go and scream your heart outs, your deepest issues of how artistic you are and how much you "not trying to make people see me but I really am", explain how hard your life is cause of this and that and then say " but I mean its that I want you to feel sorry for me, which it totally really is"... I'm sick of your crap, go get a real life and step up and stop expecting that people that actually feel empathy and have a hard time and really tries to get help instead of just pity should care about your shit. Fuck.

Sorry for the french... This felt good I should do this more often, Up yours art-people here's some news for you, I dont envy you anymore cause I've actually come to my senses and realised you have nothing that I want, nothing not a damn thing ...

- over and out -

Sometimes I just get angry, angry at the world and at the people in it. But mostly I think over my own loneliness. The fact that I have almost lost all close friends to me somehow. I've started to feel at ease with the situation as it is now, it's Peter and me, and a rare few that i can call friends. I'm happy with being alone and such but of course I miss the fun nights and days of joking, hanging out and just goofing around. It feels almost weird that in some way I wont have that anymore, well atleast it feels like it. Sure I might get new friends but I'm not sure I'll be able to let them close.

Other thing is that I've learned during the years that I hate seeing people suffer. Wheter or not they are close to me I hate the feeling of knowing that something is wrong and that I cant do anything about it. Even if I'm in a position that when I barely have energy to get up in the morning, I still wonder. Wonder about how some people are and if they are doing fine or if they are holding up. It's like a curse. As soon as I feel abit better something happens wither to me or people close to me. What is this thing that make us so proud that we cant ask for help until its too late? Well it's never to late but I mean until the harm is done.

The older I get, the more I wish I ws a kid again. being able to take things for what they are, not analyzing every detail or asking all the questions I dont even want to know the answers to. But I ask not of curiosity but hope. Hope that someday will show me that of all the things I've done to try helping people, maybe someone will one day ask how I feel when I need it. Well atleast next time, since the last times people did the "turn their back and run" move. I wish I could do that sometimes, just turn around and walk away. But somehow I'm not able to do that. Maybe cause I know how hurtfull it is to be left to yourself and all the darkest secrets and thought you have.

I just wish I could find some peace with some people, let go and try not to worry too much. But it just seems impossible.

- over n out -

Old habits die hard. I've beens truggling lately with my mind and my emotions. My feelings tell me to do one thing and my mind tells me not to do it. Luckily I've beena ble to get my feelings straight.

The hardest part is to know that no matter how hard it gets to stay away from it, no matter how hard I cry for it and no matter how tough the anxiety gets, It's worth not doing.

But somehow it seems easier and easier every day, well of course everyone has bad days, mine are maybe a bit over the top sometimes but still. And it seems like the bad days are less frequent than before.

Though I still mess up sometimes by saying things or thinking about things too much and get myself confused.
And mostly because I say stuff I should've forgotten or just ignored. It's not easy to have a mind like mine, when u remember to many detailes. Makes you go insane sometimes, missing things that have been or maybe could've been.

Even if I have a great precense the past keeps running after me. Well maybe memories are supposed to work that way. And if not, how would we be able to remeber how to ride a bike after several years?

- over n out -

I think I've come to a point where I actually start thinking clearly, for the first time in ages.

It's no secret that I see a psychologist once a week and it's no secret that I feel crappy and sometimes even hate myself and don't want to get up in the morning. It could be that it feels like a secret or a bad thing to do and that I have to hide it because people don't talk about it?
Why should I have to hide it? Just because I actually admit that I don't feel okay and believe me I have reasons not to. Instead of being that person that swallows all the sadness and anxiety as I did before I will talk about it if I want to, I will stay in bed if I feel like it! And if you people "who-never-have-feelings-and-problems" can't understand that, then FU!

You know what? I left my carebag with the depression. Why should I be there for everyone everytime they call and say "I need your help" or "I don't have anyone else to talk to"?
What happened when I needed you? What did you try to do when I felt so bad that I actually wanted to die? And where you there to pick up the pieces of me when I needed to hurt myself physically just to feel something?

NO!

You weren't there, none of you!
The only thing you do is to benefit yourselves, never actually care about anyone else. Or if you do, then you are the ones that suck badly at showing it!

Of course it may seem egoistic of me to write things like this and "point out" that you were too selfish and now I'm doing the same thing. But I need to do this so I don't fall in the same traps again. Atleast I admit I have a problem and I really do appreciate the ones that helped me through this, and will ALWAYS be there for them.

I don't stop being myself I just consider the amount of help I can give to a reasonable proportion!

And for the record, If you feel the descriptions apply to you... well Sucks to be You then ^_^
If not, then have a nice day!

- over n out -

It's the secret looks that we give to each other
The looks that see the smallest things.
How you bite your teeth together when you're concentrating
or how you lean towards the cupboard when you're doing the dishes.

The way you say goodbye in the mornings
and the way you hug me hello when you arrive.

When our lips meet and your skin is burning hot
you give me chills of pleasure just by touching me.

How you stroke my hair from my face when we're in bed
and the way you kiss me on the forehead.

The way our bodies touch when we're in bed
and the silence that occurs when there's only us.
Feeling my skin getting more fiery with every touch
and making me go insane.
Sensing your breath agains my neck and feeling the heat of your lips.

It's the little things that counts and maybe that's what keeps me going.
Everyone has little things they keep close and that matters a lot to them.
You're my little thing and also the biggest thing in my life.


I love you.

It's not that I enjoy being home all the time but sometimes it gives a sence of being calm and figuring things out. But no matter how I twist and turn it I still don't seem to handle this good at all. I get more stressed and nervous whenever I'm supposed to go outside or meet people, which I hardly do cause there aren't many people left to meet.

I hate the fact that you really want some of the friends back and all you probably have to do is pick up the phone and call. It isn't easy and the biggest part of me still can't get over it that I've been left to deal with my problems all by my self. Surely it can't be that bad or can it? Is it really so hard to try to support someone for real when they don't feel well, and I mean really not well and not the " I'm-so-depressed-cause-I-got-drunk-and-didn't-get-laid" illness.

Some part of me even have even become distant to people just cause of the fact that I don't want to trust them anymore. How much do you need to get stepped on to realise that you're a stone on the ground?

It's hard to be me, it really is. I constantly struggle with apologies that I make for anything that might not be what others want. Try not to cry even if my heart screams for it. And when I don't manage to hold back the tears I feel so bad and become angry at myself instead.

When did this all go wrong? When did I become this person that's sad, anxious and insecure all the time?
Where did that girl go, that always laughed and sometimes cried cause she felt for others and hardly even bothered to think dark thoughts?

Of course I sometimes hate myself, quite alot and mostly because I haven't been there for anyone of those people I miss and for those who probably didn't know I neede someone.
Nothing will ever be the same as before and I've lost more than friends, also lost my pride, self-confidence, the courage to be me and also the trust I used to ahve with people.

I still don't wish that I was dead like I used to, well not today anyway...

- over n' out -

You know that akward silence when you meet people you used to hang around with? The one that says that all the laughs that were, are gone and there's nothing left to say about the now. The silence that make you feel stupid, unwanted and lonely, but most of all the silence that tells you, they're no longer your friends, just people you know.

I hate it when you realise that when you're happy and social, everyone is your friend and want's to do things. But when you get sick or depressed (don't that count as s sickness?) everyone seems to dissappear in some way. 
They leave you when you need them the most.
Not surprising that people feel lonely and are afraid to show emotion and weakness.

Thank you for always listening and supporting me Zukker and i'm glad your not one of the idiots that left me... I can't in words explain how much i appreciate you, especially at times like theese. Youre my dearest friend <3

When it rains outside it seems that everything settles down and becomes quiet. But not the rain, on contrary it becomes louder and makes a sound that is both calming and still it feels like it pushes through and pierces everything. It seems that in some way the rain has control over all other sounds around us. The cars, the people, the nature. Nothing but the rain can be heard. I like it. It washes away all the feelings and you just get tired. It's almost like there are no feelings or problems in the world. Just empty and hypnotic. Hearing the drops pound against the ground, the roof or the window.

Still people complain at the rain, even I do that. Instead we should embrace it and hope for it to rain... Its some sort of way to calm ourselves down. Its just the same way when its windy outside. all you can hear is the wind blow in the trees and see how everything looses its grip, even if its cars, people or leaves. Everything seems to loose their weight and stumble cause of the wind. Have you ever stood still in a storm, just feeling completely light and hearing the wind in you ears and feeling its power against your skin? It almost feels like all the positive things blows away and the deep negative thoughts remain, yet they dont feel as negative as before. They seem easier to handle and in some sort of way you have a better perspective when it comes to the problems. Suddenly the solutions seem more clear than ever and the high mountains that were impossible to climb, are like rocks that easily can be thrown away.
I like the wind better than the rain, maybe because I see it like a wind of change, change of perspective and solutions, instead of a storm that we should take shelter from...

Weird thing this thing we call weather... Right?

- over and out -

Have you ever thought how it would be if there were no worries and no problems that put you thrught stress, anxity and sadness?
Would we still be able to feel appreciation, calmness, inner peace and joy? Or is the "bad" thing necessary just so we can feel the opposite?
How is it that whenever we feel stressed or sad we always point out the things and complain about things. But when we for a little moment, like for a minute or two, actually feel good or happy, we never say it. We never tell someone how happy we are that the sun is shining or that the morning coffee tasted awsome. We always say that its the little things that count but we never recognize them when we have the infront of us.
Is it so hard to figure out that people are unhappy or lonely when we never talk about anything that for once could get us on a better mood. Its like there is some kind of fear to be happy. Fear of being well instead of unhappy and depressed as it seems most of the people today are.

Almost seems like its a shame to be happy nowadays....

- over and out -

Sometimes I just feel like putting myself in a box and send it somewhere where there aren't any people. Just the nature, the calming sounds and feeling of silence, good silence and not the kind you keep inside of you when there's things you think about. Usually I've been afraid for the thoughts in my head and the feeling of having too much in there. Now it's the opposite, the silence is the thing I'm fearing the most.

When the silence comes crawling the anxiety is near. Or it's more the anxiety attack that's near cause the anxiety is there all the time more or less. And the hardest thing I think, is to admit that I can't do anything to stop this, not in this state. Wether I start doing dishes or think about hurting myself, it's not going to work if i don't realise the problem itself. You just need to find the right "tools" to manage through the anxiety-attack and work on things that make you relax and get control of the situation. Sometimes I can't do it on my own, and luckily I have my dearest right beside me. I don't even know what I would've done without you ♥

It's hard to keep on going when it seems that you're stuck in one place all the time. It's frustrating to not have any motivation to anything, even if I want to. Yes, I DO  want to have the motivation to study, work or just do ordinary things like hanging with friends.... Without having to prepare for it mentally for 5 hours before the "event".... With depression and anxiety, there is no such thing as spontaneity...

Even if I feel completely drained from emotions and strength sometimes, I still manage somehow to crawl up from the deep hole I lie in. Maybe there is something inside of me that have realised that I want to live, that I want to work it out and that I want to be succesfull, even if it's just to manage trough school, star working, and maybe someday in the future start a family. Thoughts I've never listened to before.

Maybe we should listen deeper sometimes, and take our dreams more seriously...
Cause maybe it's the dreams that keep us alive subconsiously, and when the dreams are suffocated, we stop breathing too.

Bad or good, dreams are necessary for me...

- over and out -

We all have different reasons for doing things or saying things. Sometimes things we dont mean to say out loud but the words just come out. Even if we say the wrong things and act the wrong way it doesnt have to be the mistake of your life. People mess up sometimes and thats just how it works. Its when you notice that the only mistake youre doing on purpose is making you feel miserable and confused, thats when you need to open up your eyes and see whats going on.

Ive done many mistakes in my life, even though im still young it feels like posess the knowledge of life in a different way than others in my age. I dont mean that others in my age dont know anything, but its more like i have a different view of things sometimes. Its not always a good thing, but occasionally it helps. But i wonder if it really is a good thing to have that much experience about bad things. Everything shouldve been much easier if I still were 6 years old and played with my friends. Or maybe 60 years and just needed to relax and spend the rest of my days in peace.

Is the road to the end supposed to be this hard?
Or is it hard just so that we can feel reliefed when we reach the end?

-over and out-

Its been such a long time since I wrote anything. Theres so much to tell but it's just so hard to get the words to say something meaningfull. In december I just crashed into a wall of pain, sorrow and bad memories. Things I should have dealt with long time ago but just chose to pile it up in some dark corner inside of me. But it's like people say, the past sometimes catches up with you.

Well what can I say, it's been tough to switch between apathy, anxiety and selfdestruction. The road hasn't been pretty and my writings won't be either. Feels like I don't care anymore and just wan't to show the things I've been hiding so long. Show the real me, or more the part of me that I didn't want people to see before. And I think it was just because I was afraid to be judged and misunderstood. I've never been afraid, but it've been more like hesitation so that the people near me won't take the blame for things I feel. Sorry all, never meant to hide things but I didn't want you to feel the pain I've felt.

Well, to be honest, I don't even know if anyone reads my blog anymore cause of the shitty updates, but so what, then I just use this as some kind of diary or something.

It's hard to wake up every morning and start it with four or five pills just to make it through the day. The pills aren't the worst, cause the worst is to feel the anxiety come crawling and just know that anytime during the day the hyperventilation starts and the shaking and passing out is near. I get nervous just to meet old friends that I used to spend all my days with. I never feel as happy as before, but also I don't feel as low either. I guess the medicine works and makes me more of a clock that goes and goes without any big changes, until it stops. When I stop, that's when the thoughts appear to be more real and threatening.

The fact that I know that I even hurt myself just to stop the anxiety is more terrifying than anything. The cutts, scars and overdosing of alcohol and pills are the worst mistakes in my life. I realise that now, but it took me a long time to even get one reason that convinced me that what I was doing is not the way. Two suicide attempts and lots of cuts later I realise that I know have things to live for that motivate me to stop harming myself. And it makes me realise that I've always had people that love me but sometimes that isn't enough, not when you're to afraid of asking for help.

Iv'e had a bunch of friends who's been depressed, lonely, suicidal and also those who had drug problems. I've always been there for them the best way I possibly could. But sometimes that wasn't enough and you start to blame yourself for other peoples doings and mistakes. And that's when it starts. And before I realised it I've become someone who always help their friends (and people she dislike) but then never take care of her own problems. The damage becomes big very fast and in the end you're just a lump of anxiety, depression, sorrow, hate and anger. All you then see in your mirror is someone that is like a dark shape with dead eyes and a heavy heart. It's hard to see a clear road when the mirror is staring back at you with dark eyes. Maybe, just maybe that's when I realised that I need a different path, not a dark road, but a road of salvation. I needed to snap out of it, stop doing foolish things and grab the big pile of problems and throw it out on the table to work it through. Sort out the dilemmas and heartaches. sort out my life.

This is where it begins...

- new times, over and out -

Is our search for appreciation going towards an unhealthy limit? What are we ready to do just to get that special look or smile from someone? Or is the hardest thing to appreciate yourself theese days when everything seems to be destined by others oppinions and rules?

When you come to a state and youre determined to change yourself (wheter its for the better or just a "newer" you) the obstacles always seem to grow bigger. The walls seems stronger and the stones become mountains that have to be climbed. But, one wrong step and you fall to a certain death. How is it that we constantly try to change ourselves and our enviroment? Is it never good enough, or pretty enough?

We hurt people around us trying to make ourselves better and we constantly hurt ourselves knowing that what we aim for is just breaking us into pieces that have to be picked up and glued together in the end.
How many times can you glue something until its "unfixeable" and falls apart? And is it that some of us are resistant towards glue and just fall apart without any chance of salvation?

The dissappointment we feel when we fail to change or fail to become something better, is almost endless and puts us in a deep misery. The torment we put ourselves through is almost scary. The desperation of being able to feel something special or looking pretty or just get the courage to ask for help is making us blind for the little things that count. Its not important if you have a feeling of apathy once in a while, have a left leg thats shorter than the right or the fact that youre scared to show emotions that are destructive. We all fear something and it wouldnt be safe for us to never be afraid. Fear makes us rational and give us a chance to think about our actions. What happens when the fear becomes too friendly and we use it to trigger our emotions and actions? We get destructive and the physical and psychological scars we bear increases instead of decreasing with the fear of not daring to do or feel things.

When the "dares" go overboard and the brains says one thing and the heart oneother, it makes us act stupid. If its not to ease our pain in psychological ways, some people use more drastic methods to ease their anxiety or sorrow. We try to hide our emotions so that people wont hurt them, but we only hurt ourselves instead of talking to someone who could ease the pain. I dont know if thats the saddest part or if it is that the people who mostly would need someone to talk to, never have anyone, or are to afraid of saying the word.

Are we all fragile vases waiting for the time when someone glues us together, or are we destined to fall apart in misery because of failing glue?

- over and out -

When theres so much you want to say and so much you want to explain, and yet you cant find any words... What do you do? The feeling of your heart aching and stomach turning, you want to scream out the thoughts that overflow your mind, but everything is blank. Theres so much yet nothing that you can say. Is that the moment we leave our destiny to become whatever it becomes without giving it some thought ourselves? We drop everything just to save everything without doing nothing. Is it our place to make everything work or is there something in us that fixes it for us.

What happens when things cant be fixed? When things just fall apart and no one catches you when you fall? Am i falling again, helplessly? Is it supposed to be this way so that i dont hurt other people again? I hate the way your eyes look sad and i hate the fact that i caused the sadness. Id rather torment myself for all eternity than see you get sad and hurt again.

Im so sorry, but guess its not enough.


- over and out -

Why is it that its called both autumn and fall? Do we fall in ourselves during a short period just like the leaves fall from trees? The shifting against winter seems always so suprising especially when our emotions and feelings break through our walls and happy faces. Just like the cold winds that replace our warm and light days with darkness and chills, the same way our perspectives towards ourselves and others change and becomes dark and judging. Without hesitation we fall into a wrong state of mind when friends become lousy enemies and and the world seems even harder than before.

How is it that a season can change our view so much that it almost becomes frightening? Are we not supposed to be made and prepared to handle theese changes? Or is it that its some kind of test to see if we are mature enough to be able to live on our own?

It seems to me that the falls and mistakes we make usually comes back to haunt us somehow. The phrase "its going to be fine" seems more like to be bullshit than any help. And the question "how are you?" is just a simple phrase of politeness. Its not like anyone actually cares when they ask how it is, its more just a phrase to lighten up the conversation. For all i care they could be talking about the weather instead of asking how things are. The way we pretend to be curious of others wellbeing is almost pathetic, cause we only do it to feel more at ease according to te situation we are in. But its not like we are completely unaware of the problems people around us have. People talk and it just takes a little mistake or an unfortunate accident and we are all ears. We care, but just when it means that someone else is unhappy or have issues more severe than our own. Are we supposed to be selfish, and then be all in dispair when we notice that even our closest ones turn their backs on the selfishness?

Despite of the seasons changing and peoples selfishness we still manage to live out the misery of our selves and others around us, yet we never learn to actually appreciate the ones that love us until its too late. People do foolsih things when they cant find a way out of their own misery. They put themselves in a situation thats almost impossible to overcome without scars, either physical or psychological, not only to them but also to the people around them. Many call them cowards and stupid, but is it that were just to naive to understand the state of mind that theese people are in. Is it always possible to find a way out, or are we destined to loose some people on the way that are to weak to handle the issues on their own? Are they to proud to ask for help or is it just a self fulfiling prophecy?
The way we act actually have consequenses that affect not only us but others, with that kind of power its sometimes blinding to see that people hurt others when not thinking about the outcome of their actions.

Is it good to think and analyze about our actions or is it sometimes necessary to step on toes and stop thinking to become the person you want to be? Is it sometimes better to "go with the flow" in order to survive, or should we all swim upstream just to become something in the end?

- over and out -